The Mostly Accurate History of the Roman Empire

Rome was founded, legend suggests, by Romulus. He was reared, along with his twin brother, Remus, by a she-wolf. Something like that could leave a guy feeling a bit touchy, which probably explains why Romulus grew up and killed Remus. At stake, apparently, were the naming rights to a new city. Just think, if Remus had prevailed, the Romans might have been called the Remnants.

In the 5th century B.C. the Romans began developing a Republic whose institutions and legal precedents would propel the Empire, both west and east, for more than a thousand years. Vestiges of their governmental structures, such as the Senate, exist in modern America.

In the Republican times, Romans elected two consuls to administer the affairs of state, kind of a dual presidency. This was an early experiment in the “separation of powers” concept of the U.S. Constitution. Each consul served one month, then gave way to the other the next month. In practical terms, this system allowed one consul to undo the screw-ups of the other on a more frequent basis. After the emperors came to power, however, the office of consul was considerably diminished in stature. The Caesars often just appointed themselves as consuls. Caligula was more creative. As consul, he appointed his horse.

Rome sustained its Republic for 450 years before the birth of Jesus. (The U.S. Republic is currently a little more than half that age.) Of course, only adult male Roman citizens could vote and hold office which made it a drag for everybody else, including a slave named Spartacus. He led the slave rebellion in 73 B.C. and, as you probably know, things didn’t end well. The uprising was crushed and Spartacus was crucified. Worst of all, two thousand years later, Kirk Douglas played him in a bad movie, sporting a flat-topped hairdo. Indeed, the movie was so bad Tony Curtis, Douglas’ fellow cast member, asked Jean Simmons, “Who do I have to fuck to get off this picture?”

Julius Caesar ended the Roman Republic in 43 B.C. but the Empire went on, even flourished, for another 400 years. (This is the time period Hollywood generally spotlights because of the lurid sex, blood, and mind-boggling depravity of the imperial lineage. Hollywood knows box office when it sees it.)

Though it suffered under Tiberius, Caligula, and Nero, among others, Rome actually settled down and became more tranquil. Historians generally acknowledge the 200-year period from 27 B.C. (Augustus) through 180 A.D. (Marcus Aurelius) as the Pax Romana (Roman Peace), the longest period of relative tranquility enjoyed by Western civilization. Of course, there were no major wars because the Roman legions had brutally suppressed all potential rivals. But let’s not be too picky.

In 312 A.D., the Emperor Constantine converted to Christianity. The next year, with his Edict of Milan, he made it legal to practice Christianity and restored all property rights to Christians. He also created a victim shortage for the bloody spectacles in the Coliseum, and Roman Show Biz went into immediate decline.

Even more amazing for the times, Constantine did NOT outlaw paganism and he officially decreed full tolerance all religions in Rome. He initiated construction of the old St. Peter’s basilica on the site where the modern-day St. Peter’s stands. Unfortunately, by the time it was finished, Constantine had moved to Byzantium (modern-day Istanbul), renamed the town Constantinople and founded the Eastern Roman Empire which survived, in one diminished form or another, until the 1400’s.

Severed, abandoned, and surrounded by enemies, the Western Roman Empire staggered through another century then collapsed in the mid-fifth century when the Visigoths came calling.

Sic transit gloria mundi. (Thus passes the glory of the world.)